I struggle a lot with depression. While some of it is just the unfortunate Vegas style slot machine genetics that came up all lemons, I can't blame all of my Crazy on chemicals. A lot of it lately feels circumstantial. As a very creative and social person, staying at home full-time with small kids for nearly a decade has been very challenging for me. I have felt lately that to have kids means that I have to give up on myself, even though I know that isn't what is true. If I look hard at it, my kids are the best thing life has brought me, and I can't blame any of this on them. They didn't ask to be born. They haven't done anything wrong by being here.
So I have to look further into why I feel so trapped and isolated. Further than just the stay-at-home mom thing. I am going to take some time to do that, and that also means I'm taking a break from this blog for a while.
I've also temporarily deactivated my Facebook account, and will be stepping away from other things like Twitter. While I don't think technology is bad, I certainly don't think more technology is the answer for me right now. Sometimes all this supposed connection only fuels my feelings of isolation even more. Looking at pictures of people having fun and taking trips and enjoying themselves while I am feeling stuck in my own life doesn't make me feel any better about the way things are. So those outlets need to be removed for a while.
I'll be back. But I need to take a break, and didn't want to not explain why.
If you'd like to contact me personally, I'm still going to be checking emails. My address is allisonthemeep at gmail dot com.
6 comments:
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time, but I'm glad you're taking some time for yourself. I don't have kids, but I've been feeling the same way lately about school and my job. Feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to. I'll miss your posts while you're gone!
Hey, I know you're about to tune out, but if you haven't been there, Derfwad Manor is a great respite from typical blog fanfare. She had a site crash today, but when she's back up (and when you're back in) you might enjoy it. (I'm boldly assuming you don't already read it.)
Allison! I have missed you, but I totally understand the need. I have been feeling really isolated for this past month (surgery, plus nasty weather, plus having to cancel plans with friends so I can stay at home with Emil while he naps are all adding to it). I don't know if this happens with you, but for me, winter is the worst, most isolating month. We stay inside too much and I do often feel trapped. But then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Also, during the winter months I am on my computer so much more, so I do think that adds to the feelings of isolation.
I hope you feel better soon, friend. I will be here if/when you decide to come back. Don't feel like you owe anyone an explanation, either! Work on YOU (that sounded so stupid, but I swear I mean it in a genuine way).
So sorry that you are feeling this way. I have a tendency to isolate myself and it's true that being home with kids can really pull you out of daily interaction with adults. It could just be a bad patch and you'll feel more content as the days get longer, but if you find that you really aren't loving being at home, remember that it's never too late to try something else. I teach at night and it's exhausting but does give me a structured routine outside the house that even freelance work just doesn't provide. For some people a part time job, or even taking a class, can really help restore a sense of self (even if it bruises the bank account).
Enjoy your break and take as long as you need. Hopefully you can put yourself first a little and things seem brighter very soon.
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I'm right there with you, Meepies.
Hugs to you.
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