eyeballs

What's up with my weird T-Rex arm? 

Julian and I had optometrist appointments today to have our vision checked. (Perfect vision, what what!) Audrey came with us and was a complete nutbag the entire time. I mean, she wasn't a feral animal and badly behaved or anything. She was rather pleasant. But she definitely needed to ask the name of every single person in the waiting room, and ask them their favorite color like she was Buddy the Elf. And she sat next to one gentleman and informed him that "boys have wee-wees." Oh, Audrey. Ever the educator.

We had to do the glaucoma test where you look into the black box all unsuspecting, and then PUFF! Air right in your eyeball. It's disarming. In fact, in a fight situation, I bet you could totally just blow into the eyeballs of your enemy and it would defuse the whole thing right there. In Julian's case, it made him very, very pissed off. To the point that it was comical for me and I couldn't stop laughing at how mad he got every time the machine puffed into his eyes. And when it was my turn, I had a hard time not laughing the whole time and the tech lady probably thought we were such a bunch of dicks.

We had our eyes dilated and I am still walking around with these stupid-ass glasses on because everything is way too bright and we are blinded by the light. (Side note: Julian heard the song "Blinded By The Light" on the radio and was all, "They just said wrapped up like a douche!" And I had to tell him, no, the words are actually revved up like a deuce (which still sounds sketchy to me and kind of poo-themed) and that sucker had the nerve to correct me and say, "No. I'm pretty sure it's revved up like a douche." OKAY. You're 9 and correcting me on song lyrics that a) You just heard for the first time ever and b) are some of the most widely mis-heard lyrics of all time and do you think I wouldn't bother to look into that? 9-year-olds. And furthermore which leads me right into c) How in the hell do you rev up a douche? I didn't know they could be revved?)

In the car on the way home, Audrey thought it would be a marvelous idea to pick some boogers and put them on her eyelids. Julian asked her why she did that, and she said, "Because it helps my eyes." I wish I could say that this was the first time this happened, but no. She put a booger on my eyelid just last week as I was trying to coax her into a nap. You know that thing where you lie down and be really still and if you do it long enough, maybe the kid will eventually fall asleep too? I was hoping for that, but instead just got a big fat booger on the eyelid.

And this concludes the post that led to everyone clicking the unfollow button.