xoxo

Hello, lovelies. I hope your Valentine's Day has been lovely. Or for some of you, is getting off to a nice start. *chicka bow wow* (I don't know what that means. Can someone explain?) (Obviously, I am kidding.) (OH MY GOD, is she going to stop with the parentheses? NO. And look, she's switched to 3rd person.)

One of Audrey's classmates gave her the Jabba the Hutt card and it makes me laugh every time I see it. Let me break it down for you:

a) I am an admirer of puns. And to make a Star Wars pun is to be excellent.

Today at Trader Joe's, the sample dude was cutting some stuff up with a pizza wheel, and another employee questioned his methods. Why the pizza wheel instead of the knife? And because I am derpy, I was all, "That's how he rolls!" Groooooaaaaaaaan. (Nobody laughed at my bad pun.) (Oh jeebus. There she goes again with the parentheses.)

b) Look at that freaking face. He looks like a little tadpole. So precious. You almost want to like him, and forget that he was all rapey and had Leia in a gold bikini and chained up, and tried to kill Luke.

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Audrey just got out of bed and told me she needed to pee, and then said, "You can pee on top of my pee, okay?" Yeah! Who doesn't love a good two for one deal? It was a strange offer, but I thanked her anyway.

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Since today is a day of love, I am going to list things that I love. Because I like making lists. And because this is my blog, so I can pretty much hold you hostage with my rubbish until you decide to click the red x and shut me down for good because of all my nonsense.

Ahem. Onward to things I love: (In no particular order.) (PARENTHESES AGAIN!?)

- Kale chips. If you have not had kale chips, you are missing out big time. Even my kids like these, and those suckers are picky about greens.

- When the kids go to bed and I dick around and eat candy.

- Wade, Julian, and Audrey.

- And a bunch of other people. But I'm not about to turn this post into an Oscar thank you speech. I mean, if you want rambling, I've got no shortage of that. And parentheses to spare. But you don't need a kid's bedtime prayer list of every person who is awesome to me. I'm betting you've already clicked away by now. Sorry.

- The magic of streaming shows from the internet to my television. There is no science behind it. Only wizardry.

- I'm just gonna come out and let you know what a cliche hipster I am, but I love bacon.

- And moustaches. So sue me. (But don't really, because I spent all my money on buying an overstock of parentheses, and I would have nothing to give you if you won the lawsuit.) (Except maybe some of my moustache collection.)

- Coffee. But if I have to be specific - hot, freshly made coffee. Because once it cools down, it tastes like an ashtray mixed with feet. But iced coffee? Delightful. Why is it that the extremes of coffee are so wonderful, but the middle zone is just putrid?

- Salads. Roll your eyes at that if you want, but I fucking love a big salad. Like Elaine from Seinfeld. "It's a salad - but bigger."

- When someone tells me that one of my kids was polite and well behaved, and I wasn't around to give them stern looks or coax them into it. That they were just awesome on their own. It's the best.

- The way Audrey pets my hair every morning and says, "Byooful Mama." Although this morning, she woke up and said to me first thing, "Your breath smells like poopies!" That wasn't so awesome.

- How Wade is the best partner ever and when people complain about how much their husbands suck at helping out around the house or with the kids, I can't relate at all. Because the dude kicks some ass when it comes to being a dad and a partner.

- That Julian wants to learn how to cook, so he's been helping out a lot when I make dinner lately. He's been baking with me since he was 4 and is a total pro at cracking eggs.

- When I am driving and I see people singing passionately in their cars. Because, right on. You go and sing that guitar solo with all your might. It's good for the soul.


I will stop the rambling (and parentheses) for now. I wish delicious chocolates for you all. Except for the dogs who might be reading this. Because that would be murder.